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I'm thinking a lot about death today. In my dream last night, for some reason that I am unsure of, I was supposed to die on my birthday. I ended up having some guy throw knives and throwing stars at me, which I also threw back at him, and some of them injured me, including a knife or two embedded in my head. For some reason, it was supposed to be, and I was fine with that. I had a peace about my death that surpassed all understanding. Yes, I was sad to be leaving my loved ones, but it was okay. When I saw a good friend of mine, I gave him a hug and started crying, telling him I might not be around much longer, but not telling him why. I just left him. I didn't give anyone else at the table a hug because I didn't know them as well, but I was sad that I wouldn't be around to become better friends with them. When I initially got the knives in the head, I felt as though I wouldn't make it, like I was dying, and like that was how it was supposed to be. Later on, though, it seemed as though I might actually make it and live past my birthday. I asked my mother if I should go ahead and die like the original "plan" dictated, or if I should keep living. She never responded and I woke up before I could find out what the result was (as I always do when there's a possibility of my dying in my dreams).
I think that part of my dream was about the inevitability of death. There was a point where myself and a couple other people were fighting a group of "bad guys" in hand-to-hand combat. We were just about to defeat them, and the death they brought with them, when a second, more numerous wave of fighters on horseback came over the hill. It then seemed as though our defeat was inevitable. I'm not sure what exactly that scene transitioned to or what the result of the fight was, but I remember the feeling of doom, and feeling like it was okay.
I want the peace I had in my dream about dying. In some ways, I think I do have that peace. Over and over again, I've been seeing verses about the life to come after this one, about the fact that there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more weeping. Right now, that sounds wonderful. To be in a place where the joy is never ending, where we will be in direct fellowship with God, and the cares and sorrows of this world will pass away is something for which I desperately long. I want to live like I am dying, to not fear death but to embrace it. I heard a song this morning with the line "we were born to embrace not except it." I'm not completely sure what "it" they were talking about, except for maybe suffering, but there is some part of me that wants to relate it to my death. Not that I want to die or that I would ever kill myself. I know that God has work left for me to do on this earth until He determines that it is time to take me away. I want to die for something much greater than myself and want my death to point others to Christ and to bring Him the praise and glory. That's what I want for my life, and I want no less for my death.
